BREAKSTUFF NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DURST PIE INCIDENT

FRED DURST was attacked by a cream pie wielding teenager on Sunday during auditions for a new LIMP BIZKIT guitarist, reports NME.com. Breakstuff would like to repeat that we had nothing to do with this incident. NOTHING AT ALL.

NEW ALBUM HAS TITLE AND COVER ART

The Interscope Corporation of America tell us "there is indeed a title for the new record: 'Source Tags & Codes'- spelled exactly this way". The album will also have different tracklistings depending on which country you buy it in. Which leads us to believe that non-US countries will not be seeing a release of the Relative Ways/Homage EP - what a swizz! The album cover art is also now been unveiled and looks rather pretty.

GLASGOW FOLK DON'T GET CONRAD'S JOKES, FACT

According to band member Conrad Keely "as a band, we try to be globally focused because when it comes down to it, we do make music for the world, not just a load of in-jokes for one particular region. Like for someone in Glasgow to get." To test this theory, Breakstuff went out on the streets today with a selection of Mr Keely's jokes which were received with bafflement by 97% of people we asked. A typical comment came from a Mr "Wee" Stuart, 25: "That's no' even funny. Ah cannae see a real Glaswegian lowerin' themselves to laugh at that nonsense. Fred Durst though, he's tremendously funny', he said. In fact, from our exhaustive survey of 12 people we asked in Byres Road Safeway, only 1 thought Conrad's jokes were funny. And he looked kind of mental to me.

NEW TOD ALBUM TO FEATURE SONGS

In a daring move, Trail of Dead's first album release for The Interscope Corporation of America will feature songs. These are believed to have the following names:

It Was There That I Saw You, Another Morning Stoner, Baudelaire, Homage, How Near, How Far, Heart In The Hand Of The Matter, Monsoon, Days Of Being Wild, Relative Ways, Relative Ways Seque, Source Tag & Codes

However, in a similarly daring move, the album has no title yet, despite being released on February 25th. Why not mail them and suggest some titles. Breakstuff offers 'We Love Breakstuff They Are Great' or 'Fred Durst Doesn't Scare Us'

TOD CAUSE MASS DEJA VU WITH PLAN TO PLAY NME ASTORIA GIG IN FEBRUARY

Trail of Dead fans nationwide experienced mass deja vu upon receiving an email from NME.com announcing that TOD would be playing one of the NME Carling Awards shows in London. They did exactly the same thing this year. However it is true and there will also be some other Trail of Dead shows in the UK [and probably Europe too] around February time.

Pick 'n' Mix pop quiz answers

The new Trail of Dead EP actually features FOUR new songs. These are Relative Ways, Homage, Blood Rites and The Blade Runner. Break Stuff knows all this because Interscope had a copy flown to us at no inconsiderable cost. And damn good it is too.

Driving force and talent revealed to be singer's mom

Despite recent rumours to the contrary, Conrad, of aywkubttod, has issued a statement denying the fact that his own mother is in fact the bands spiritual guru, and chief songwriter. Recent events on the Trail of Dead discussion list have led the gossiping kids to believe that Mrs Eileen Keely was in fact slightly more important to the formation and continuing success of the band, than just being Conrad's mother. Conrad's statement, outlining the exact duties of his mother, was delivered to the press on the porch of his mothers home. She could be seen in the house engaged in talks with a man in a backwards basebal cap and a gentleman with a large cowboy hat. The duties included 'helping me decide what to wear, offering (basic) nutritional advice, bolstering the audience numbers in the western states by encouraging every relative I have never met to come and see us, and offering all the support you would expect from a mother - like writing notes to work when I am off 'sick' (on tour)'. Mrs Keely at first declined to comment, but then relented and told us that Mr Durst was a nice man and the new albums lyrical content will explore t he complex relationship between a mother and her son. 'also', she added, 'I wrote some really killer riffs on it'.

Enormous record label eats Trail of Dead

The Mighty Interscope Corporation plc signed Trail of Dead yesterday [or maybe the day before that]. As part of the deal each member of the band will receive one million dollars in cash, a Get Out Of Jail Free card, a person of their choice's legs broken on command and a star named after them somewhere near the Orion constellation. An A&R spokesperson for the label, Mr F Durst, told us yesterday, "I talked to the guy Jason about hats. I like hats and so does he. They're perfect for Interscope so I had my minions sign them. Hey, what did you say the name of your website was? I'll have your legs broken!"

Pick 'n' Mix pop quiz for new single

Breakstuff hears that the first of the new Trail of Dead records is ready for release in the US next month and will feature three new songs. See if you can guess which 2 of the 4 new songs TOD have been touting around live will be on the single. There's no prize except that you can feel clever if you guess right.

Here's your choices:

1. Homage: Jason's punkrock riot now making its way around the TOD fan network in MP3 demo format by means entirely unconnected to breakstuff. My personal favourite of the four. Homage, not Jason.
2. It Was There (That I Saw You): Ultra-catchy tune sung by Conrad which they've been playing since the London Astoria gig back in February. Damn catchy. Damn.
3. Baudelaire: Neil sings this one. It's probably about Baudelaire.
4. Relative Ways: Another Conrad song. I liked this one better than It Was There even though it's not as catchy. I have no concrete reasoning upon which to base this comment.

The third song incidentally was recorded for a soundtrack that was "too controversial". Trail of Dead and controversy? Surely not.

Neil teaches guitar a lesson in respect at Leeds

The Breakstuff crew were out in full force at the Leeds Festival, having been granted all their requirements in terms of full access to the backstage area and the Trail of Dead booze stash, an entourage, good weather and the right to heckle amusingly and drunkenly.

This settled we watched Trail of Dead kick up a storm on the main stage with Conrad throwing some mighty rock poses and Jason getting a ticking off by security for repeatedly jumping into the audience. The breakstuff crew then posed as Trail of Dead employees to rescue the remains of Neil's disrespectful bass from its journey to the bin. Much other fun was had too but since lots of it involved alcohol it's probably best we don't go into details.

Conrad slapped by Powers That Be

One day Conrad decided to do a nice thing for his fans and give them an illegal MP3 file of a new and unreleased track by Trail of Dead. The fans were happy and listened joyfully to the wailings of Jason and the frenetic guitars. Then Mr Bad Man of Somewhere spoke to Conrad and he said "NO, this is not how things should be done. Desist from these avuncular actions and get thee on with your work". So Conrad returned to the musical factory and the fans were sad. But it was too late for Mr Bad Man. Crimefighting duo Break and Stuff were on the case and had a secret plan of revolutionary action....

If you would like to receive the next installment of 'Break Stuff Not Offering New TOD MP3 To Fans Oh No' then send us an e-mail and TELL NO-ONE.